A plea for the Kinder Surprise

I care about this more than I really should, so here goes.

Having friends outside the US has made me more aware of some of the silly things that we do, like not providing free healthcare or calling the sport you play with your feet soccer (honestly calling it football makes more sense than calling our football football, but I digress) or, most importantly, making Kinder eggs illegal.

I can understand that people want their kids not to choke on things, and putting toys inside food is risky. But I would like to think that people aren’t seriously stupid enough to let that sort of thing happen, not to mention that the egg itself is kinda designed to prevent that. Let’s take a look.

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“Attention: Toy not appropriate for children younger than three years. The small parts can be ingested or inhaled. Adult supervision is recommended.” There you have it, in prominent letters on the wrapper: don’t give this to little kids, and watch your children when they do eat it. Yeah, it’s in Spanish, but that’s because I bought it in Argentina. American ones would probably be from Canada and therefore be in English.

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I forgot to put my hand in for scale, but these things are like 2+ inches long, bigger than a normal egg. If your kids can fit that whole thing in their mouths, I’m impressed.

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The open egg and toy capsule. If you shake the egg, even in the wrapper, you can hear and feel the capsule inside. The egg isn’t that thick. The capsule is also pretty big and very obviously plastic and not chocolate.

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And in case you didn’t read the outside label (or have any common sense), the toy inside the capsule comes with instructions.

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In 37 languages.

Apparently there was legislation back in the ’30s saying you can’t have inedible things inside edible things. Makes sense, but it’s not like no one knows there’s a sizeable toy inside. After some fun importing issues, the FDA reissued the warning, saying “The embedded non-nutritive objects in these confectionery products may pose a public health risk as the consumer may unknowingly choke on the object.”

…seriously? There’s a warning label outside. You can hear it when you shake it. It even says “SURPRISE” on the outside. How on earth does someone not know there’s a toy inside?

But no, because some children died choking on these things, parents fought to get them banned. The losses are tragic, of course, but this sounds more like a parental neglect issue (not reading the instructions on the package and not following them and watching their child).

I may be exaggerating a bit, but I think it’s stupid that someone can purchase weaponry specifically designed to kill people rather than animals (let’s be honest, hunting game with an assault rifle would destroy the meat), but I can’t buy a Kinder egg because “it’s a choking hazard.” It’s stupid that someone can commit a sexual assault and walk off free, yet if I bring back any Kinder eggs, I could be fined $2500 EACH. It’s stupid that of all the things that have killed people, they picked this one to go on a crusade against.

Pick your battles, US, and let me have my damn Kinder egg.

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